I get it, you need your morning coffee to be nice to me, or you’ve had a long day in the office and just want to sit down with a beer and food; but your semi taking your hangriness out on me…. and yeah that’s absolutely not cool.
Hospitality; the wonderful world of food and bev where you need little to no people skills or patience. Yeah…not quite the case.
Over my casual working years I can safely say I’ve given my hand at almost everything from childcare right through to retail, swim teaching, media etc. However hospitality takes the cake for one of the most testing of all. Let me ask...have you ever had customers left over sauce all over hand? Or picked up dirty baby wipes left on the table?
For those of you out there who escaped the vortex of hospitality in your life congrats, but I’d like to get some things straight with you. So go ahead & sit at that dirty table I haven’t wiped yet when there are 7 already clean around you…
Here’s what you’ve been doing that we can’t stand!
1. Coffee orders
Since when do we need a million variables to make just a coffee?
“Hi, I’ll get a, weak, skinny, decaf, mocha with 1 sugar, extra hot and ¾ full”
I shit you not… these kind of orders are a thing! Barista’s just smile and say yep $4.50, when they really want to punch you in the face. Seriously what even is ¾ full? Get a piccolo or something and why are you getting a skinny with two sugars?
Why not just order yourself a mocha extra hot frappe with unicorn milk and fairy dust in a mug.
“Coffee for Vicky?... Vicky!? COFFEE FOR VICKY!?!? “15 mins later..
“Hey I’m still waiting for my coffee…my name is Vicky”
I also know you like the feel of a takeaway cup, but your sitting in the place for up to an hour and your 3 minutes of smooth caffeine is at the cost of the environment.
And please no, don’t ever ask for a decaf espresso martini’s...just don’t.
2. Listen & know your god damn order
I know you and your group are having a social dinner and you want to get the ‘cheers cocktail boomerang’, but just please remember that you’ve ordered meals so when I come to you please don’t act as if I’m invisible and keep talking!
I only have 3 burning plates in my hands and have to call the dish out 3 times before you realize that indeed a steak and an eye fillet are the same thing. Another easy help that can make the world of difference for your waiter/waitress is if you make some room to put the food down. Your phones, clutches, drink, whatever just help us out and move stuff or I'll just put it in your lap.
And yes, I know you are waiting on your 4th meal, I’m not an octopus and I don’t have extendo arms, I will need to go back to the kitchen to collect it.
3. Yes the breakfast menu is over
Simple as it sounds! It's 11:30 and I know you’ve been hanging out for your eggs benne to heal your huge ass hangover but brekky is OVER. Yep done, no eggs, no hollandaise with bacon.. it's late in the morning and we are onto bigger and better things. The breakfast chefs have packed up and no it’s not easy to get everything out again just for you.
Please don't make me go ask if they can just do one more. I already know the answer.
4. No you can’t have that table
It’s a Saturday night in peak summer and that clean fresh table staring at you, is probably not for you. So don’t get your knickers in a knot when I say that there isn’t a table for your party of 10. And don't be that guy that says “but we’ll spend lots of money”.
5. Know your drink
I’ll admit, I’m guilty of this one too...
However despite what you think, bartenders are actually almost flat out all the time. Don’t chuck the “umm I don’t know... what do you drink? surprise me” card, or you will be served a brutal rum and coke that probably wont tickle your fancy.
- Know what you want
- Don’t have a chat to each other or on your phone at the bar and then complain you weren’t served before another person.
- Can I get a beer? Like seriously? We only have about 35 to choose from.
4. EGG WHITE
Yes many cocktails have egg white in it for great texture, you can’t taste it so unless your pregnant try not to complain, I am over hearing it and free protein right?
6. It’s her birthday, hens, bride whatever can we get her a free drink?
"Hey it's that girl over there's birthday in the blue dress can you like make her a fun shot or a free drink?? OMG, get us wet pussy’s!”
“ We are all mums now, we don’t get out much can you get a pic of us!?”
"Got a charger back there?"
7. Have patience
Yes the table next to you got their meal before you even though they sat down after, because you ordered three well-done steaks.
Like really? Clearly a tossed together salad is going to be faster that a well cooked & rested steak.
This kind of thing is a biggy for me. Be respectful and patient. And if you’re on a date, take note of how he/she treats the waiter it’s a good indication of the human being they really are.
8. Drink all the water in your glass,
Yes, you poured water in your glass so drink it all. We collect them and left over water means we cannot stack them all up to get cleaned. You don’t drink- we can’t stack = more unnessecary trips to the glass area. And thanks for the thought but stuffing your napkin in the glass isn’t helping.
9. Your not allergic, just tell me you don’t like it
Go for it. Basically deconstruct the menu, strip salads of dressing, take out bread etc. But please don’t ask for gluten free bread, but then have a beer and eat a brownie for dessert. I can see you.
10. Figure out how your going to do the bill
Standard. In the rare occasion restaurants have the time to grant you split bills.. YOU figure out how much you owe not me. Always thank your waiter/waitress and leave a tip if your feeling extra special.
Overall just be mindful, clean and respectful. We want you to have a good time too!
Don’t treat that waiter/waitress as if he or she is at the bottom of the pecking order. That kid giving you your Bircher muesli may be studying engineering or becoming a doctor.
So next time you go out for whatever the reason I hope some of these things jump out in your brain.