So here I am…sitting in a café attempting to write a piece that is very close to my heart, something I find hard to even process myself. The reason why?
Well look, I’m not even sure if this is a good idea but just like a shot of tequila.. You just do it. Maybe relinquishing my thoughts to you guys on here may in some form simultaneously help me?
My story is not quite like Taylor swifts 'Never getting back together’. Sorry Tay Tay, I just feel that it's not that simple, I can't just 'shake it off'. Instead I think that there really is no comparable pain like heartache and nothing more genuine. Yep, you’ve probably guessed that this is a struggling relationship post.
Though, this is not a "how to or 5 ways post'. This is my own personal heart break described in words. This is just me, finally ready to share ....
So what would a 24 year old know right? Well...I may be 24 but I also have lived, loved and lost. And although I can’t hide behind a laptop screen and tell you all the right ways to handle heartache, I feel I can just share experiences.
For those reading this, please don't leave me hanging! Any of you going through the same thing and know how shitty this can be, please reach out.
So this ol chestnut; breakups… they SUCK and I am definitely not the first lone soldier to deal with the terrible sinking feeling. However, what I have found that I struggle with is learning how to let go. I really am in the deep end here...
Anyway, Faz stop procrastinating, here goes...
My last relationship ended roughly 6 months ago, though it really feels like 3 weeks if that. I had a young, talented, beautiful man who really did treat me like Queen Elsa. His queen. This human holds a place in my heart and did for just over two years.
Two beautiful years living and sharing everything and yet… I abandoned it. I ran.
Well, I put him in a position where he really had no choice but to let me go…something no one should ever do to another person, it’s selfish and gutless.
Yes I'm hearing you, but why right? Well I am not overly proud of how I handled the situation hence the length of time it’s taken to write this. Though over the last few months of the relationship, I did start to notice that both our lives and careers had remained stagnant, we weren’t exactly complimenting each other we kind of just were and enjoyed being just that. Though in hindsight theres only really so long you can do that.
After pouring my life out to my friends, it became apparent that many couples go through the same thing. Where both of you overly enjoy each other but at the cost of essentially just collapsing into one another. In my case, of course there were also additional reasons for the split, though I don’t feel they are necessary to explain here, however I will tell you that I do feel an overwhelming sense of guilt due to my actions.
So guilt… it’s up there with one of the worst emotions, just like when your mother tells you she’s not angry just ‘disappointed in you’. I felt guilty because part of the reasons to the end of my relationship was due to a 3rd party facilitator…another guy.
Now, before I hear all your jaws dropping, No I NEVER cheated on him. I had zero intentions with this person; in fact I tend to have more male friends than women. Maybe there was something and I was just in denial, I don’t know?
I guess in the end you just go with how you feel. And all I knew was that I felt I had more energy, I felt I was learning more, seeing more and enjoying where my time was spent. I never intended to look elsewhere for those things; it kinda just fell into my lap. So these feelings eventually became the catalyst for change. A BIG CHANGE….
He moved out, took all his things… my bed empty, the wardrobe half full, my room was bare and both of us just left in broken pieces.
I suppose now I've only just managed to sit here and glue some of these pieces back together. Not an easy glue nonetheless.
Recently I read something from which I took more than a grain of salt;
“ Sometimes love just isn’t enough”
And in my case maybe that’s just how it was? I didn’t fall out of love with him; I didn’t want him out of my life and I still don’t. What I did want was for us to be better…for ourselves. Life is too short to not be enjoying everyday. The problem is now…
WHY CAN’T I LET HIM GO?
How the hell do people do this? Just split with each other and just move on with their lives?? I can understand if either party has been treated poorly, but how can someone be your entire world one day and then suddenly they’re gone? As if you’ve been left to grieve their death?
So clearly six months later I’m still hanging out on Struggle Street. Recently, I spoke to my best friend who now lives in London, she told me that If I really did respect him I would make a conscious effort to cease all contact, completely stop, NOTHING.
Now, I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t look at his Facebook almost everyday, wasn’t frustrated by being blocked on Instagram or try to message him every week....all that STALKER101 stuff. Ceasing all connection with him was almost unbearable and so I selfishly didn’t obey his wish for me to leave him alone.
So to you past lover… if you do ever read this I apologise. I am sorry. I did try to have my cake and eat it, it was not fair and I’m sorry for letting you down. So from this laptop screen to you, I apologise for not granting you the right to grieve and heal in your own time.
People will tell you that you can’t die from a broken heart but let me tell you… it sure almost feels like you can. Every morning the grief sets in again with the reality that you have in fact lost that person in your life. It was the feeling of losing him forever that was just too much for me to fathom. Questions that I could only answer myself paired with guilt would repeatedly flood left and right brains;
How could I do this to him?
Had I done the right thing?
How could I abandon the person who held me close when I couldn’t see my own worth?
Who I shared secrets with?
Who I saw incredible parts of the world with?
Well….Georgia…”Sometimes love just isn’t enough”.
No we didn’t fight all the time, we had loads of enjoyment and laughs all around the world. Though, I guess fundamentally we may just be different people. And no matter how hard you try, it is never right to try and change someone into your ideal mould. Consequently it was either fight or flight, and the flight really did do him some good. He got his own place, got a full time job, started getting back into shape. Me? Well I’m still working on that… but to see HIM flourish is more than I could ever ask for.
After the last paragraph above, I decided to sign off from this piece for a while. I didn’t know where I even wanted to go with this. But since then I will tell you that I was lucky to have a lovely ex that I was able to see briefly during this time. After seeing him and crying relentlessly but with a bit of clarity, I think I’m slowly learning to answer my own questions.
“ its not about letting go, it just learning to accept”
Maybe it’s the same thing? I don’t know, but it just seems to make sense. I guess relationships are just vessels for bigger things. I see him doing well, flourishing on his own and all without me. It's not about saying goodbye forever it's about acknowledgment and appreciation. For every relationship in your life unlocks something in yourself and so on.
I apologise for such a disjointed piece, however coming to the end I really do think its critical to remember one thing. Like everything, there will be good days and there will be bad days. On the bad days where you cry and everything you look at reminds you of him, it’s fundamental to remind yourself that heartbreak is just an incredible opportunity to grow. It’s an attempt to break you, but only to help pave your way to growing into a better human.
Call me hippy, but I like to think of all of us as a Water Lily. They grow out of the soot and mud and continue to grow through these mercy waters just to reach the sunlight. They slowly open and close themselves to the light, they then start to thrive supported by the lily pad network around them.
Lastly ill share with you one of my favourite poems that I kinda use as my breakup bible. No seriously, It’s simple, powerful and poignant;
After a while.. .
You learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t always promises
And you begin to accept your defeats with her head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn… with every goodbye you learn.
- Veronica A. Shoffstall
Dear past lover, you deserve anything and everything the world gives you. You always had my back and I'll be forever in your debt. One day we will meet again.
I'm sorry if this hurts you.
All my love, forever faz xx